Welcome to this big page filled with funny car jokes! Thinking how important automobiles are to the Western way of life, the amount of funny jokes and good driving jokes to be found is relatively small - there are not all that many; and they're not all that funny.
Nobody knows exactly how many cars there are in the world, total, but an estimate says that there are between 800 million and one billion passenger cars and light trucks on the roads, worldwide. A number that is actually rising fairly fast because more cars are arriving quickly in India and Asia, most particularly China.
That's a lot of cars.
And a lot of pollution.
A good thing, then, is that the automobile industry is (slowly) moving toward hybrid cars and hydrogen cars with a much better carbon footprint.
Those can be pretty cool, too, you know. Just look at this one:
Anyways, at Quotescoop.com we want to entertain you as best we can, so we have gone though an awful lot of jokes about driving and automobile jokes and to find the best ones.
This page displays our selection of the very best and most entertaining automotive humor we are aware of.
Eddie was driving down the road and met a car coming the other way.
Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.
Astonished, the other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.
Then his car hit the pig.
Well, there you go. Not everybody has your worst interests at heart! And sometimes when you help people your help is what gets them into trouble.
Ah, the irony of life.
Next, here are a few short funny car jokes:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
What do you get when you put a car and a pet together ?
What’s the difference between a Hummer and a hedgehog?
Well, with the hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.
Okay, so not all the jokes here at Quotescoop.com are what you might call clean jokes.
In the absence of that, here's the last of those short funny jokes - a sort of cleaning joke:
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
With a vacuum cleaner, the dirt bag is on the inside.
And while we're at it, here are another couple of Very Funny Jokes that aren't exactly very funny clean jokes:
A family of three are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says
"Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "Was it? Wow! I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter in the van and honked his car horn by mistake.
She immediately turned and looked at him with an expectant look on her face.
Seeing her look at him he said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "Oh, yes, I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How did you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"
Up until now we have been presenting you with mostly short funny jokes about driving.
However, automotive humor is diverse, and not all our car jokes are short; some of our driving jokes are very funny long jokes.
Some of the longer automobile jokes we are about to present might even make you think a bit - which is totally unnecessary, of course.
Without further ado, here are a few of those:
A blonde walks into a bank in central New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in central New York City can I park my Rolls for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Mom and dad had just given their teenage daughter, Joan, family-car privileges.
The following Saturday Joan was allowed to take the car to a party, and in addition to the usual don't-be-home-too-late admonishments she had been given one about don't-drink-and-drive.
Joan was a sensible girl. On Saturday night she stayed away from alcohol, but had lots of fun anyway. Lots of fun.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied, perhaps a tad nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I shall certainly have to talk with the paperboy about not placing my morning paper under the tire of the car."
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi looks at the smashed cars and says, "Oy vey! What a wreck, what a wreck!"
The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."
The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this. It will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes a swig and shakes his head ruefully, still looking at the cars. They are severely damaged. "Oh, but this will be sooo expensive!" he says.
"Yeah, well, it's just money, rabbi. Have another swig; in fact you can drink the whole bottle if you like."
The rabbi nods and drinks most of the bottle, never taking his eyes off the broken cars. Then he turns to the priest and says, "What are we going to tell the police?"
"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what you're going to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."
Good to know that some folks out there use their brain while driving (and crashing).
Here another one that might fall under the heading car jokes about driving, but really, it's hardly one of the jokes about cars at all, it's more of those sometimes funny, and most of the time not-so funny barbie jokes:
One day a guy was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and - or dear! - he hadn't bought anything for her. So, he pulls into the parking lot of the next shopping mall he passes, finds a toy store and asks for "A Barbie Doll for my daughter."
The shop assistant looks at him in a slightly condescending manner and asks, "All right Sir, which Barbie would that be?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."
The man can't help himself and asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99?"
"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's furniture, Ken's car ...
While researching jokes about cars, transport jokes and truck humor for this page, we came across another one of those short funny jokes that compare stuff (or people) to other stuff.
We might have put it up with the other short funny car jokes, but why not just put it in here for the fun of it, what with variation being the spice of life and all that:
What's the difference between a car insurance company and a Mafia don?
A car insurance company can tell you how many people will die this year, but a Mafia don, well, he can also tell you every one of their names.
What follows next is first are a couple of the few funny truck jokes we found which are actually funny, and then we'll be back with a few general
driving jokes and automotive jokes ...
A grizzled old trucker was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first biker walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
A moment later the second biker walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.
The third biker walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, that old coot, he was not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles and drove off."
A truck with two truckers was had just passed through small town and was driving on the back roads on the way to a slightly bigger town when they came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'2".
So, they got out and measured their rig. It was 12'3".
"What do you think?" the passenger trucker asked the driver.
The driver looked around carefully, got in the truck and thin shifted into first as he said, "Well, there's not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
Yep, like most other kinds of humor automotive humor relies on the element of surprise. Here's another couple of surprisingly funny auto jokes:
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm an asthmatic, very seriously affected. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a blood sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just step out of the car and walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
Jill's car was old and unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.
"What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Yeah, all right, where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"Okay, and where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "It's in here with me."
And now we are nearing the end of this car jokes and automotive humor collection. We hope you've had fun.
For the grand finale we're going to present you with one of those situations that are so almost-realistic that you can just see it before your inner eye:
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. Shortly after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."
Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80!" (The man gives wife dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!" (The man gives his wife another a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!"
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
And so the wife says, "No officer, only when he's drunk."
Thanks for reading. If you like car humor, here are a couple of links to some closely related pages to this page:
Safe Driving Tips to Crazy Safe Driving Tips & Driving Safety Tips - The 10 Funniest Car Driving Tips
Quotes on Car Insurance and Great, Real Quotes on Auto Insurance from Insurance Claims
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