Top Funny New Years Resolutions, Hilarious Quotes and Jokes

Welcome to this funny New Years Resolutions hot spot :-)

It's New Year once more, the day that we all make a host of bad conscience inducing promises also known as common New Year resolutions like "I will not eat 6 donuts a day", "I will do exercise once or twice next year", "I will spend at least 4 hours a day away from my TV".

New Year's Day ... now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
~ Mark Twain ~

Funny New Years resolution by Mark Twain. Picture of fireworks.

All of these things are well and good, but how long do you think you will keep them?

Many of the top New Years resolutions are made by people who will keep them for exactly long as they are convenient, and the minute the resolutions become a challenge to keep they are dropped like a very hot pot being grabbed with bare hands.

Resolutions are made and forgotten like balloon animals, and they are a dime a dozen. But why?

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
~ Oscar Wilde ~

Why is it that we have no more moral stamina than a noodle when it comes to keeping our resolutions? All of the New Year trivia sites (including WikiPedia) will tell you that only 8 to 12 out of every 100 people keep their New Year resolution for an entire year, and the sad or funny thing is that the number may well be less than that.

Granted, there is no way to really count how many people keep their top New Years resolutions, but the concept remains the same: New Years resolutions are made just for us to look good in front of our friends at New Years, and are quickly forgotten when they become inconvenient.

Are New Year resolutions like friends that we can drop when they become too inconvenient to do? Why do you even make resolutions if you aren't going to keep them?

It doesn't matter whether your resolutions are funny New Years resolutions or serious ones, but it does matter that your word and resolve is so useless that you can't keep a promise to yourself.

You will find that no one other than yourself will follow up on your resolutions, but as the immortal Shakespeare once said, "Please pass the bacon, I prithee." Oops, wrong quote. "To thine own self be true."

Be true to yourself this year, and only make resolutions that you are going to keep.

No one cares if you resolve to "diet more", "die less", "eat better", "smell worse", or just "give up on everything".

The only one who really has an investment in your resolutions for the new year is you, and it is in your best interest not to be lying to yourself when you tell you that you are going to be a better you for your next year. (I bet you've never seen the word "you" in a sentence so many times!!)

This New Year, make resolutions that you are going to keep. "I will break my other New Years resolutions within the first week" is at least one that is accurate, as is "I will diet for two weeks and go back to eating pretty much anything I want after that".

At least make resolutions that you can stay true to, as that way you won't need to comfort yourself by turning to the food that you are trying to stop eating!

Face the New Year ahead of you with a new perspective; one of actually living up to your New Years resolutions.

You won't be doing this for anyone else, but you will be doing this to prove to yourself that you actually have the guts to say you will do something and see it through.

If you can make it through even 2 months of keeping up with your resolution, you will feel much better about yourself. If you can make it through a whole year, you are a far better man than I and my hat comes off to you.

Now let's get down to the fun and funny New Years resolutions.

Mission: Resolution New Year's Eve Game

Funny New Years Resolutions

There are many funny New Year's resolutions, but you will find that there are many funny New Years resolutions that only a few people in the world would ever think of. Here are some of the top New Years resolutions by people who have a screw loose in their head, and the sad truth is that some of these less than common New Years resolutions may actually be on the list of some people around the world.

This New Year, I will no longer:

• Run while juggling knives

• Skateboard down a hill when my board has no wheels

• Play baseball with a hand grenade and a loaded rocket launcher

• Pillow fight with a bag of spare change

• Beat the school's biggest bully in the fist with my face

• Talk with my mouth full of nails

• Drink paint thinner while smoking a cigarette

• Play with matches at a gas station

• Try to perform stunts with my car on the local bridges

• Throw my friends into the trunk of my car

• Play "Chicken" with local freight trains

• Set my hair on fire with hairspray and matches

• Cause global warming singlehandedly

• Shower while making toast on the edge of my bathtub

• Audition for "Jackass" every week

• Wear a bacon costume and tease the dancing bear

• Eat chocolates (I totally swear!!)

• Send "funny" images of "epic fails" and "LOLCats" via SMS or chat to someone who I am currently talking on the phone with

• Tell my friends the same story (the one with the cow and the purple Snuggie that stopped being funny 8 years ago) every time we get together

• Spend as much time worrying about life, but rather worry about the reasons why I feel compelled to stop worrying

• Consider the feelings of others when they obviously don't care about mine

• Try to hold onto the floor when I am clearly drunk and it is holding me

• Try to remember if it is drink 13 or 14 that clearly gets me wasted

• Consider apple martinis part of my "daily fruit intake"

• Drink and drive, as I'm sick of running over speed bumps and spilling my beer in the car

• Consider second and third breakfasts real meals

God alone knows how I survived this whole year.

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
~ James Agate ~

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
~ Anais Nin ~

A dog's New Year's Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand!

Many of the funny New Years resolutions are all about things that you will do rather than things you won't do.

This year, I will:

• Trim my nose and ear hairs

• Attend Comic-Con dressed like a Klingon

• Sit in my room all day in my nightshirt rather than doing so in the living room

• Prepare for the future by worrying about it rather than waste time worrying about the past

• Use a lot more deodorant and wash my clothes much less often

• Come up with new excuses for not doing work rather than boring my boss with the same old ones that I have been using for years

• Save water by not bathing

• Avoid arriving drunk to my custody hearing (twice that happened, only!)

• Figure out exactly why I need to spend so much time checking my Gmail, Yahoo mail, Pop mail, AOL mail, Facebook mail, Facebook updates, Twitter account, and YouTube page

• Spend more time with underprivileged children: my own

• Spend under an hour every day online, though this could be harder than I thought because I don't know how to tell time

• Find that damn manual and actually read it, just as soon as I press this button…

• Try to come up with a password more creative than "Password"

• Be a bit more imaginative

• Stop thinking that "Hey Babe, what's shaking?" is still an effective pickup line

• Stop thinking that pickup lines work

• Press the stewardess' button on an airplane just to be able to get her digits

• Bench press 160, and if I can do that, be content with my accomplishment

• Consider taking up a new hobby such as procrastination. Or maybe later

• Believe in something, like for instance "I believe I'll have another drink"

• Go drunk when I'm clearly home

• Realize that God loves me, and that beer is the proof of that love

• Read the Bible and realize that it is full of wine

• Exercise more self-control, though I already have a rule not to drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast

• Stop drinking when I'm asleep

All these resolutions have plenty of crazy in them, but don't be surprised if you find them on one of the lists of your friends.

Obviously no one will include all of them, but the common New Years resolutions include "not drinking before breakfast" and "not breakfasting before 4 am, second breakfasting before 11 am, and luncheoning before 1 pm".

Still, in the spirit of the fun of the New Years, it is always nice to include the New Years resolutions that are just for a bit of fun.

You will find that the above New Years resolutions will make you laugh, but to close off the page on New Years resolutions, here are some thoughts and quotes on New Year and things to resolve.

A Few Hilarious New Year Quotes

I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.
~ Robert Paul ~

From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.
~ Leonard Bernstein ~

Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.
~ Eric Zorn ~

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.
~ Jay Leno ~

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
~ Mark Twain ~

Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.
~ Mark Twain ~

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
~ Joey Adams ~

May this New Year be full of joy, may your resolutions last as long as your cravings for unhealthy food, and may you feel the magic of the New Year in your heart.

Let this New Year fill you with hope instead of cookies, with joy instead of ice cream, and with wonder instead of potato chips.

May the next year find your waistline slimmer, your wallet fatter, your cholesterol lower, and your tolerance level higher.


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