On this page we'll present you with a big collection of funny Christmas sayings and funny Christmas quotations, sprinkled with a few interesting Christmas thoughts and reflections.
May your Christmas be like Santa Claus - fat, jolly and
Our sincere goal may be to feel warmth and joy and spread cheer but many times that goal gets diverted real quick - by feelings of worry, fear, anger, rage and suchlike pandemonium created by the stress of Christmas shopping and general getting ready for Christmas, followed by the stress of being near the overwhelming personalities and 'cute quirks' of some those we are fortunate enough to be spending our time with.
Wishing you a holiday season filled with stress, cold, and anger. Okay, so that isn't pretty. But at least it's pretty realistic.
Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with
next year's money.
Yes, the beautiful tree, the gorgeous decorations, and the more or less lovely Christmas music being piped in from every available speaker in the area can bring a sense of the Christmas spirit to anyone in the area. This is true both at home and in the shopping malls.
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
~ Dave Barry ~
As you look around at the facial expressions of the people in the room, both at the shopping mall and at home, however, you can tell that many of them are concerned. Why? Well, unless you ask them that's anybody's guess, but a very good guess has to do with little flat pieces of plastic.
Yes, while Christmas means that people may enjoy the time they spend with those that they love, many good folks are concerned about how in the world they will be able to pay for the gifts that they have charged on their credit cards. The list of gifts that will need to be purchased during the Christmas season is long, way too long, and the only way for most people on an average budget to afford them is to ... yep, you know it: whip out the charge card.
Credit Card: A piece of plastic that has demonic powers in its ability to keep a person in financial slavery for the rest of their life.
A credit card is a small plastic card, issued by a loan shark, that gives you and endless supply of money which your husband or boyfriend slowly pays off to the with enormous interests added each month.
Every December the Christmas season brings a temporary end to the economic recession - and every January sees the recession back with double power!
The intentions are great but we spend an entire year or more paying off the purchases that we make during the wonderful Christmas season. As the credit cards fly through the air and into the credit card scanners, people sink further and further into debt.
Christmas: A widely celebrated end-of-the-year profit scam.
Some may argue that the looks on the faces of people - particularly the children - as they rip open the brightly colored paper are well worth the debt that is brought on at Christmas.
While this is true as well, the question is whether they wouldn't be exactly as happy with things that cost a whole lot less. Things you could actually afford. The only ones who really benefit from the widespread use of credit cards are ... yeah, you've guessed it: the credit card companies.
Using a credit card is like pissing your pants in freezing weather. This is doubly true at Christmas.
Consider spending some honest (pre) Christmas thoughts and Christmas
reflections considering if the gifts you consider purchasing will
actually be used and valued by the people that you are giving them
When you purchase that last minute packs of Christmas socks, or the weird coffee mug filled with slightly disgusting candy, or even the expensive designer corkscrew complete with a bottle of unknown, overpriced Italian wine simply because you need to give them a gift, you are adding expenses to yourself whilst the person who gets the gift will not be impressed or thankful for receiving it. You already know this.
The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts.
~ Peter Dickinson ~
Do yourself and them a favor and make the deal with them that you quit giving presents (except to the kids) or, if need be, just pick up a gift card instead. Maybe make a deal with the other people involved as to how much money you will spend on gifts for each other. Or, at least pick some nice but not too expensive gifts that are explicitly well suited for returning or re-gifting.
A hug is the perfect gift; one size fits all, and nobody minds if you exchange it.
And, of course, in the end good old Seneca (a Roman philosopher who lived first century AD) had it right when he said:
A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.
~ Christmas Reflections by Seneca ~
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your
money or your feet.
For some people the ever popular "Black Friday" (in November) sales are a way to save money and to get the gifts and holiday décor that they need to make the Christmas gathering a great one. They spend hours and hours waiting in line just to save a few dollars on the decorations and gifts that they need. Their feet may ache and they may catch a cold from being out in the weather for so many hours but they WILL to be able to say they found the very best deal!
Christmas: make people forget the past with a present.
Preparing for the
Christmas season is something that can cause anyone a great deal of
stress. This is especially true if you are the person that gets to
host the gathering at your home. You have to make sure the house is
clean, the bedrooms are ready for extended stay guests and that the
food is wonderful. The preparation begins well before the month of
December even arrives.
Christmas is an annual commercial carnival which celebrates the birth of the Shopping Centre, usually lasting about four horrible months and starting earlier every year. Next Christmas is expected to start in August.
Once the items are purchased, the attention goes to their homes. Do the throw pillows match the curtains and the carpeting? Does each of the spare bedrooms have clean sheets and enough pillows? Do you have enough room for each of your overnight guests to sleep comfortably? Are the floors presentable enough for company? Each of these questions leads to more questions and more things to do before everyone arrives.
If we could only have the Christmas cheer all year long, then we would all be totally stressed out.
The result of this hard work is short lived though, because as your guests leave you will see that your floors are now spilled on and scuffed up, the sheets are dirty and the pillows are on the floor.
Well, at least you and your guests had a great time while it lasted, and you don’t have to worry about it again until your next extended stay visitor comes around. Or, come mid December next year you could take off for a couple of weeks on a tropical island somewhere. Or, alternatively, persuade someone else to host the Christmas celebration - or just plain old decline hosting it yourself.
People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to
pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the
twenty-fifth of December.
~ Ogden Nash ~
Now this is one of the many thoughts on Christmas that bring out some interesting conversations. While Christmas is a time to be close to your friends and family, it can also be the most trying time of the year. You have to deal with rude people out shopping, underpaid and overworked store employees and their attitudes, and when you finally reach the actual gathering, the annoying people in the family that you are happy to only spend one to two days a year with.
It's hard to think of any other time in the year that someone would put up with so much drama from people that they know (and people that they do not know) other than Christmas.
Never has there been a good war or a bad peace.
~ Benjamin Franklin ~
There must really be some magic in Christmas that helps most of us keep calm and hold that sometimes fake smile.
Peace begins with a smile.
~ Mother Teresa ~
Our family members mean a great deal to us and we do want to be kept informed if there is something going on with them but when personalities clash, they just clash.
Here's an idea: Let's make a day every year where people are pressured socially to be kind, generous, happy, and patient. Oh yeah, that's already been done. Merry Christmas.
Our positive and uplifting Christmas reflections each year are there to cover up the stress and aggravation that we sometimes just barely manage to get through each year.
Spending a day together is manageable most of the time but spending weeks together just may not be possible at all. When that's how you feel, check out this handful of peace quotes:
Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.
~ Wise Thoughts and Sayings by Ralph Waldo Emerson ~
Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~
There is no way to peace, peace is the way.
~ Sayings by A. J. Muste ~
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
~ Peace Sayings by Buddha ~
Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.
~ Robert Fulghum ~
Christmas time is package time.
Good things come in small packages ... and in big packages, medium packages, pretty packages, ugly packages and just plain boring packages. And you know what? It's not the package that counts.
~ Soren Lauritzen, thePersonalDevelopmentGuy.com ~
And here's one of the really funny holiday sayings - from the mouth of Johnny Carson:
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
~ Johnny Carson ~
He was absolutely correct when he mentioned the post office losing the packages. For some people this has been a problem for years now. Sometimes the packages that seem to get lost each year just happen to be addressed to the same person; sometimes it's the packages from a particular person - or company - that are always lost.
Sometimes the post office is to blame. For instance, corrupt mail delivery persons do exist.
Folks who get all wrapped up in themselves, sure do make small packages.
Other times the problem seems to lie somewhere else. If the package always arrives about a week after Christmas, and the packaging is intact and it does not appear to be damaged in any sort of way, well ...
It could very well be that the post office has temporarily lost track of the package, or that the shipment was misrouted, or that small elves came and pulled it aside to do a quality check before sending it on the way. Yes, indeed.
The delay just may also be due to the fact that the person sending the package does not even purchase the gift until the after Christmas sales hit, and so the package gets mailed out a couple days after Christmas.
If you are starting to feel guilty now, rest assured that the receiving party won't know who to blame - unless of course they notice the post marked date on the package. In that case you can surely think of some plausible explanation. Because by then you will be out of holiday stress mode and have a clearer head you can use to come up with an excuse.
Freedom comes in individual packages. Even at Christmas time.
So you get a present. And inside of your present you might just find
something you either love or dread ... like a fruitcake.
My husband bought fruitcake one year. He ate some of it, but I wrapped the rest and gave it back to him for Christmas. The next year, I found it amongst my presents from him. It developed from there.
~ Rikki Rosenberg ~
This one's been around 15 to 20 years. The first one lasted about that long, too. Fruitcakes are made to withstand the test of time.
~ Rikki Rosenberg ~
OK, so are you guilty of it? You have now read yet another few of our favorite funny Christmas sayings. They bring up two of the most interesting topics that no one seems to discuss at Christmas; fruitcake and re-gifting.
The Pleasures and Horrors of Fruitcake (Fruitcake Quotes)
Let’s begin with fruitcake.
The First recorded fruitcake was in Roman times, and some believe the fruitcake to be the cause of the fall of the Roman Empire.
For most people receiving fruitcake as a gift from someone the care about is something that will make them question how much they really love that person. While there are a few people that really enjoy fruit cake, the majority of people seem to find it uneatable and, well, somewhat disgusting.
Reality is like a fruitcake; pretty enough to look at but with all sorts of nasty things lurking just beneath the surface.
~ A. Lee Martinez ~
A little publicized method of determining whether a woman was a witch during the Salem Witch Trials was to offer the suspect a piece of fruitcake. If she ate it and lived, it was considered proof that she was, in fact, a witch.
The only thing worse than getting a fruitcake at Christmas time ... is getting a fruitcake from a fruitcake lover who expects to you to share it with them.
These people say that when you just by looking at a fruitcake, you just KNOW that it has been circulated through to many different people since the time it was actually made fresh. How many pieces of shiny paper, they wonder, has it been wrapped in just to be rewrapped again for the next person?
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
~ Johnny Carson ~
All in all we don't seem to care much for the ever present (!) Christmas fruitcakes. So one of the Christmas questions that make you think is this: If next to nobody likes fruit cake, how come is it one of the most common Christmas presents?
Because we're weird, that must be the reason. We do bizarre things for no apparent reason.
Last year, when my son Rob opened the box, what he found was a T-shirt - with a picture of the fruitcake on the front.
~ Rikki Rosenberg ~
Okay, so what if you open that suspiciously heavy and dense Christmas present and find all of your worst fears confirmed in the form of a nutty fruit cake? Here's what to do ...
1. Use it to hold up your Christmas tree
2. Give it to the cat for a scratching post
3. Use as boat anchor
4. Use as bricks when building your house - or just your fireplace
5. Use it as a seat at a stadium event
6. Stand on it when you change a light bulb
7. Use it to hold up your car when changing tires
8. Use as defensive weapon - suitable both as repellent and heavy, blunt instrument
9. Replaces free weights when you work out
10. Use as book ends - preferably at some library far away from your home
This leads us right to re-gifting. Almost everyone has
re-gifted a present they have received at one time in their
life or another. If they tell you they have not, they are
probably just too proud to admit it.
It's Not Regifting, It's Recycling: Frugal is the new black. Handmade is cool. "Old" and "used" are now vintage and trendy. This holiday season, don't head to the mall -- head to your closet. Don't go shopping -- there's no need to buy anything. Instead, recycle, repurpose and reinvent.
~ B.J. Gallagher ~
When someone gives you a gift, only one of two thoughts is likely to enter your mind. You could think "Wow! This is great! I can’t wait to try it out!" or possibly, "What in the world am I supposed to do with this?"
It is very easy to show your appreciation for the good gifts ... but when you get a gift that you do not want, custom dictates that you still have to fake a smile and pretend to love it.
You know that you will probably give this away to someone else down the road some time so after the giver leaves, you immediately tuck it away in a closet or on a shelf until the time comes to give it to someone else.
It might be a good idea to tag it with the name of the person that gave it to you initially though so you do not give it back to them in a month or so. Or ... maybe you should give it back to them. One wonders what their face would look like - or if they would acknowledge it. That might be a fun experiment to try some day…
Today holds 86,400 seconds. Have you used one to say "Thank you"?
Christmas is for children. But it is for grown-ups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide-bound hearts.
~ Lenora Mattingly Weber ~
While getting through the Christmas season without offending someone may seem like an almost impossible task, once you get to the other side of the aggravation you can look back on how wonderful the experience really was. There will be new memories made that you will cherish and after some time you will not remember how intense the aggravation really was.
Unless you are a drama queen or king who loves the negative emotions even more than the positive ones, you will only remember how much fun it was to reunite with people that you have not seen in a while. As you look back at your thoughts on Christmas, you will know that each of your efforts over the last few months was well worth it and that it was not as bad as you thought that it may have been. Hopefully.
Yesterday is history. Today is a gift. Tomorrow a mystery.
Many times our anxiety levels get to a point where we just know that something will go wrong or that things will be much worse than they actually are and we set ourselves up for what may be a rocky holiday. Once the time arrives and the event finally begins then our nerves can calm down and we can embrace all that the Christmas holiday can offer us.
Yes, we may be very ready for everyone to go home so that we can experience the quiet home that we have the rest of the year, but we would not take back any of the events or moments that we have lived through as the season passes us by. Christmas is an exciting time and there are many great funny Christmas sayings that can help lighten the mood of what might seem to be a very stressful time of the year.
The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.
~ Richard Moss ~
The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.
~ Brian Tracy ~
Still stressed out by Christmas preparations? Credit card still maxed out? Okay, so you might ...
There. We've given you the gold. Now is the time to say
goodbye and merry Christmas, and we will do so with one of the
more positive and wonderful Christmas sayings:
Christmas is the best time of the year...
Nobody knows if there will be snow,
but do have a cup of cheer!
Just in case you're up for more weirdness, there's more at Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit (and they do, and it shows). Sometimes it's very funny, sometimes it's not - and sometimes it's just plain weird.
We have collected a few easy-to-use links on all the subjects mentioned on this page:
A short and to the point description at Infoplease.com of the main points regarding Christmas - and another one of the different common Christmas Traditions.
The the content-free encyclopedia Uncyclopedia.com's completely fabricated and somewhat funny history of the Credit Card.
- Fruitcake as irreverently described by the content-free encyclopedia, Uncyclopedia.com.
- An absolute classic: the famous 1911 Edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica's explanation of the concept of Gift.
- Regifting, as described by WikiPedia.com.
And, finally, Quotescoop.com says 'Peace, sisters and brothers!' as a way of saying 'I shall behold your ugly visage again unless you spot me first, oh ravenous reptile' a.k.a. 'See you later, alligator!' a.k.a. 'Bye, bye now' ... and in loving memory of the little known state of Nonflict we shall end this with a Peace link.
It has been said that fighting for peace is like fucking for chastity, and at Uncyclopedia they define peace as 'That boring time in-between wars'.
Pax vobiscum, brothers and sisters, and Have fun!
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