Warning: These safe driving tips may seriously compromise your driving safety as well as your sense of humor.
This is because the tips for driving safely that you are about to read are not so much driving safety tips as they are jokes about driving, jokes about cars and other kinds of driving jokes.
In other words: Automotive humor.
So instead of believing our wacky driving safety tips and crazy car driving tips, please just drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by its maker.
Paraphrasing former Major League baseball player and manager Tommy Lasorda, Driving is like baseball ... what counts is the one who gets home safely.
Moving around in traffic is one of the most dangerous things you can do, and there's no doubt what so ever, that what makes it so dangerous is not the cars, motorcycles, mopeds or bicycles - it's something else entirely.
To use an immortal quote from Frank Rizzo, former Philadelphia mayor and police chief:
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people that make them unsafe."
~ Frank Rizzo ~
Yep, the late comedian George Carlin hit the nail on the head when he said:
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
~ George Carlin ~
And to paraphrase a quote by Edgar Watson Howe: A wise man is cautious in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool!
Enough said. Onwards to the automotive humor. Get ready for a hand picked bunch funny car jokes and great driving jokes cleverly disguised as driving safety tips:
Crazy Safe Driving Tips & Driving Safety Tips no. 1 of the 10 Funniest Car Driving TipsThe best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
Crazy Safe Driving Tips & Driving Safety Tips no. 2 of the 10 Funniest Car Driving TipsQuestion: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
Answer: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Crazy Safe Driving Tips & Driving Safety Tips no. 3 of the 10 Funniest Car Driving TipsHow to recognize a car that's really too old: Rather than an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to the steering wheel.
Crazy Safe Driving Tips & Driving Safety Tips no. 4 of the 10 Funniest Car Driving Tips Question: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
Answer: The color.
Crazy Safe Driving Tips & Driving Safety Tips no. 5 of the 10 Funniest Car Driving TipsDid you hear about the girl who was so keen on road safety that she always wore white at night?
Last winter she was knocked down by a snow plough.
Crazy Safe Driving Tips & Driving Safety Tips no. 6 of the 10 Funniest Car Driving TipsThe more time you spend on the road, the higher the risk of being involved in a car accident. Furthermore, by far the largest amount of all car accidents involve non-drunk drivers.
It follows, therefore, that to drive safely, one should be drunk and minimize the time spent on the road by driving extremely fast - as fast as possible.
Addendum on traffic lights: The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
Yep. Don't you just love logic?
Crazy Safe Driving Tips & Driving Safety Tips no. 7 of the 10 Funniest Car Driving TipsQuestion: When driving through fog or heavy rain, what should you use?
Answer: Your vehicle.
Crazy Safe Driving Tips & Driving Safety Tips no. 8 of the 10 Funniest Car Driving TipsIf you can't repair your brakes, just make your horn louder.
Crazy Safe Driving Tips & Driving Safety Tips no. 9 of the 10 Funniest Car Driving TipsUnder no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
Addendum about the weather: Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are not to affect the above rule. Such extreme weather conditions are merely life's way of ensuring a natural selection process for hospitals, doctors, body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
Crazy Safe Driving Tips & Driving Safety Tips no. 10 of the 10 Funniest Car Driving TipsQuestion: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
Answer: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
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If you want to read more about personal development, self improvement, self help, motivation, inspiration & spirituality, you can do so at Soren Lauritzen's other two websites (the names say it all):
• thePersonalDevelopmentGuy.com (High-level insight & practical self help)
• Smartass-Self-Help.com (Self improvement the fun, entertaining way)
• Helicopter Parents by Positive-Parenting-Ally.com
(Parenting advice for the conscious, open-minded parent)
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