The Mental Health Quiz for the Mentally, Criminally, Completely, and Garden Variety Insane

How hard is it for you trust people?

A. People are not there to be trusted. People are there to be used as pawns in my evil plans to conquer the world. Long live me!

B. People will let me down at every opportunity, as my life has demonstrated. The letdowns started with my mother kicking me out of her womb, then continued as adults laughed at my childish falls during infancy, and progressed as I (...)

C. I have a hard time trusting people, as should everyone else. Humankind is hardwired to screw you over, but you can occasionally find a person or two that you can trust. Maybe.

Do you like to be alone?

A. Yes, for only when I am alone can my true genius come forth as I slip off into my secret laboratory to cackle gleefully to myself over the corpse I am currently reanimating for my high school science project. Muahahahhahahahahah!!!

B. I like to be alone. Only when I am alone can I spy on the toys that come to life and interact with garden gnomes. Occasionally they'll talk to me too, though, and give me sound dating advice.

C. Hanging around with friends can be difficult, they are often so judgmental. Being alone is nice. I like to be alone. Don't you? I'm not lonely. Not lonely at all. No, no, not at all. Why do you ask that question, anyway? Do you want to be friends, is that it? Or is this your weird, circumspect way of making a pass at me?

What do you think of weak or handicapped people?

A. They are the perfect subjects for my secret experimentation; they make excellent subjects that I can covertly convert from weak or disadvantaged humans into totally awesome superhumans that are completely loyal and dedicated to me and my grand cause.

B. I like to laugh at them as they pass by, hobbling on their canes or rolling down the street in their wheelchairs. After all, that is what they were made for, right?

C. I work hard to control myself from looking down on people who are weaker than me, as I think that proper etiquette requires being polite, though that may also simply be Burger King playpen rules.

Are you a friendly person?

A. Yes, I am excellent at pretending to be friendly. After all, only your real friends will volunteer for bizarre scientific experiments.

B. No, friends creep me out. They always want something; want to know what you are thinking, what you are feeling; and they are always trying to find the best way to get what they want from you. Creepy, that's what they are. Don't you agree?

C. I try to be friendly, though I find that I have a hard time making friends with strangers. It takes me a long time to actually open myself up to make friends with new people, and by that time they are usually gone. It helps if I tie them up, but I find that my friends will often hurt me if I am not careful.

When you act:

A. The consequences that result are always devastating and setbacks to my nefarious plans. Regardless of the consequences, I always act the exact same way because I know evil will always triumph in the end.

B. I think that consequences are stupid. There shouldn't be any consequences, as life is governed by a number of voices that tell me what to do. So, obviously, I am not responsible for my actions.

C. I often regret the consequences, but that's probably because I simply can't make up my mind between what is right and wrong and have to toss a coin.

How do you make decisions?

A. As my late mother would always tell me, "What would Satan do to take over the Earth if he was in your place?" Bless her blackened and evil soul, she always tried to do what was the best for me. It's not easy for a bastard spawn of Satan to have a normal life.

B. Why what any normal, rational, and sane person would do of course: I present the evidence before the Pixie Court in my backyard. How do you make your decisions?

C. I simply spin around and point my finger at an object. That object is what decides my actions, and I feel that I am making the right choices in this way.

Do you have a quick temper?

A. Of course not. If I had a quick temper I would simply boil those who anger me alive in a vat of acid. As it is, I simply ensure that their deaths are painful and drag on for a while, he he he, snicker.

B. I may have a quick temper, though it never seems to affect the people around me. They begin to laugh so hard they begin to cry uncontrollably, and tears soon start to run down their face as I playful punch and kick them.

C. My quick temper acts up when someone talks to me, and I often react violently to those around me if they call me mean names.

Tell me about your train of thoughts:

A. My train of thought always enters the same station: What is the evilest, vilest, and cruelest thing that I can do to those around me? Muahahahahhaha!!

B. Don't look at my thoughts. I don't want you to see my thoughts. They are my thoughts. Stop trying to steal my thoughts. Leave my thoughts alone. Get away! They are my purple spotted thoughts and you can't have them!

C. My train of thoughts is sort of like a drunken man: it staggers around for a few minutes in random directions before crashing violently into oblivion. How do you think I make such wise decisions?

If your answer to all the questions were:

A. You are completely, totally, and unequivocally insane. Seeking professional help is now useless. Instead, you should probably apply to the same organization that James Bond's villains applied to in order to obtain your Evil License for the Criminally Insane. Remember to practice your evil laughter every day. You'll need it for laughing maniacally as you walk through your evil underground lair set in the heart of a volcano or on the peak of Mt. Everest or - if you're just starting out - in the sewers just below the High School on Main Street. One final word of advice, though: Beware of suave British men who would come to stop your evil plans. We hear they are a pain in a private place for evil geniuses.

B. You are only the regular garden variety of insane, and you should definitely take steps to seek help. One excellent way to control your insanity is ask the Jiminy Cricket that speaks to you for help to overcome your insane urges.

C. You are only slightly off your rocker, though the jury in the imaginary court in your head is still out on whether or not there is hope for you. There probably isn't.