Hilariously Funny Sports Quotes by Players, Commentators and Coaches

• Lots of funny sports quotes made by players, coaches and commentators from all branches of sports!
• On this page of sports humor you will find:

- funny golf quotes
- funny tennis quotes
- funny cricket quotes
- funny football quotes
- funny skiing quotes
- funny baseball quotes
- funny hockey quotes
- funny squash quotes
- funny basketball quotes
- funny boxing quotes
- funny racing quotes,
- funny soccer quotes

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Funny Golf Quotes

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
~ Will Rogers ~

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
~ Gerald R. Ford ~

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny ~

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?
~ Ben Hogan ~

I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.
~ Rogers Hornsby ~

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
~ Dean Martin ~

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino ~

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
~ Greg Norman ~

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Funny Tennis Quotes

I'll let the racket do the talking.
~ John McEnroe ~

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there. Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
~ Jimmy Carter ~

When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
~ Hugo Black ~

Monica Seles - I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night.
~ Peter Ustinov ~

Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a public service announcement, so much so that he makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating.
~ Alex Ramsey ~

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Funny Cricket Quotes

Cricket is baseball on valium.
~ Robin Williams ~

Oh God, if there be cricket in heaven, let there also be rain.
~ Alec Douglas Home ~

Cricket - a game which the English, not being a spiritual people, have invented in order to give themselves some conception of eternity.
~ Lord Mancroft ~

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Funny Football Quotes

Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.
~ Frank Gifford ~

Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's unbelievable.
~ Tom Landry ~

I think Sheffield Wednesday are a very poor football team. They are like a man who's got diarrhoea who can't get his trousers down.
~ Rodney Marsh ~

My only feeling about superstition is that it's unlucky to be behind at the end of the game.
~ Duffy Daugherty ~

We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. I just can't figure out where else to play!
~ Pat Williams ~

I don’t care what the tape says. I didn’t say it.
~ Ray Malavasi ~

And Farmer has now scored 19 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season.
~ Garry Lyon ~

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Funny Skiing Quotes

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
~ Dave Barry ~

There are really only three things to learn in skiing: how to put on your skis, how to slide downhill, and how to walk along the hospital corridor.
~Lord Mancroft, A Chinaman in the Bath, 1974 ~

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
~Steven Wright ~

Skiing: The art of catching cold and going broke while rapidly heading nowhere at great personal risk.
~ Funny Saying ~

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Funny Baseball Quotes

I was showing early symptoms of becoming a professional baseball man. I was lying to the press.
~ Roger Kahn ~

Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.
~ Yogi Berra ~

If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing you grandmother with her teeth out.
~ George Brett ~

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
~ Yogi Berra ~

The Yankees are only interested in one thing, and I don’t know what that is.
~ Louos Polonia ~

I was thinking about making a comeback, until I pulled a muscle vacuuming.
~ Johnny Bench ~

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Funny Hockey Quotes

All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.
~ Gordie Howe ~

Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good.
~ Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach~

The three important elements of hockey are: forecheck, backcheck and paycheck.
~ Gil Perreault~

They say you're not a coach in the league till you've been fired. I must be getting pretty good.
~ Terry Simpson~

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Funny Squash Quotes

Squash is boxing with racquets.
~ Jonah Barrington ~

Crystallizing my feelings about the game, I find that squash is less frustrating than golf, less fickle than tennis. It is easier than badminton, cheaper than polo. It is better exercise than bowls, quicker than cricket, less boring than jogging, drier than swimming, safer than hang gliding.
~ John Hopkins ~

Squash! That's not exercise, it's flagellation.
~ Noel Coward ~

If you think squash is a competitive activity, try flower arranging.
~ Alan Bennett ~

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Funny Basketball Quotes

Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.
~ Doug Collins ~

You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.
~ Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh ~

When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team.
~ George Raveling ~

Nothing there but basketball, a game which won't be fit for people until they set the basket umbilicus-high and return the giraffes to the zoo.
~ Ogden Nash ~

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Funny Boxing Quotes

I'll be floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee.
~ Muhammad Ali ~

He has turned defensive boxing into a poetic art. Trouble is, nobody ever knocked anybody out with a poem.
~ Eddie Shaw, referring to Herol "Bomber" Graham ~

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
~ Muhammad Ali ~

There's more to boxing than hitting. There's not getting hit, for instance.
~ George Foreman ~

You can sum up this sport [boxing] in two words: 'You never know.'
~ Lou Duva ~

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Funny Racing Quotes

Well, we now have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
~ Murray Walker ~

The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.
~ Murray Walker ~

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Funny Soccer Quotes

I never criticise referees and I'm not going to change a habit for that prat.
~ Ron Atkinson ~

He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces.
~ Ron Atkinson ~

I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.
~ Mark Draper ~

Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match.
~ Ian Wright ~

Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
~ Metro Radio ~

Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.
~ Kevin Keegan ~

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Random Funny Sports Quotes

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
~ Robin Williams, 1982 ~

I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
~ Earl Warren ~

Olympism is the marriage of sport and culture.
~ Juan Antonio Samaranch ~

Wrestling is ballet with violence.
~ Jesse Ventura ~

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
~ Source Unknown ~

This is a really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.
~ Ted Walsh ~

If at first you don't succeed … So much for skydiving.
~ Henry Youngman ~

Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes!
~ Robert M. Hutchins ~