12 Humorous and Funny Christmas Poems to Chuckle, Chortle and Cackle by

These funny Christmas poems range from slightly serious to hilariously humorous to sincerely silly. So see yourself warned ;-)

Besides the obvious goal of you having fun with them and enjoying yourself, we hope that you will consider each of to be a very different Christmas poem!

If you're like us, your mind is probably bursting with questions regarding good old Santa.

Like for instance:

  • The first obvious one is, Is Santa Real?

  • Do you think Santa could have a racy life?

  • Do you think he might have some things to hide ... besides presents of course?

  • Could Santa by any chance be a sexy hunk? (If this was the case that wouldn't be too bad now, would it?)

  • Do you think Santa could have trivial problems like other people? (Or could they be even worse than those all we normal boring people face?

    After all, Santa is a well-known celebrity. Perhaps we will never know as reporters are 'airily' challenged and can not find a way to follow Santa in this reindeer slipstream on his yearly route, and take pictures for the press.

We hope to satisfy your curiosity here. Some of these humorous Christmas poems will hopefully shed some light on that dark and mysterious North Pole.

Enough babbling for now, following are some hilarious Christmas poems about Santa:

No. 1 … Funny Christmas Poem about the Green Nosed Reindeer

The first one is from our silly Christmas poems selections.

The poem takes invites us to the North Pole to see a predicament Santa has with Rudolph, his lead sleigh reindeer. However, as you will see this predicament turns out to be quite a blessing in disguise.

Rudolph the snot nosed reindeer had a terribly bad cold
His rosy red nose had turned green one hundred and one multifold

Then one morn', sweet Santa said to him,
'Rudolf with your nose green, you'd better stay in'

Leaving a trail of green snotty slime
Rudolf the reindeer shuffled back to his pine

While he was dreaming of strange green bells
Suddenly he was awakened by Santa yelling 'Hell'

Gratefully leaving his green bell choir
What he discovered was Santa's house afire

Quickly he ran into the house
All grey with smoke just like a mouse

All was dark and confusion and terror
What was needed was a courageous torchbearer

And finally his nose, no longer a misfit
Shining and green as an emergency exit

Everyone escaped out into the cold
And this was how green turned to the value of gold
~ Quotescoop.com ~

No. 2 … Falling in Love with Santa
- Christmas Love Poems

Well, is Santa sexy?

Is that a relative question?

Or is open mindedness needed to view Santa as sexy. Fortunately love doesn't care about sexiness and looks are relative!

Here is one of the Christmas love poems that insinuates that Santa might actually be one sexy hunk!

All this woman really wants for Christmas is Mr. Santa Claus himself!

Here is the poem for Christmas that may ... or may not ... leave us all wet and drooling with desire for sexy Santa:

I was sitting on Santa’s lap
And I looked into his eyes
Santa turned me on that day
Much to my surprise.

Warm and sexy
Soft and pink
Infatuated I was
With just an eyewink

He did not know, he could not tell
How he affected me that day
This year I will be impatient till
I can see him again that very way.

Hurry, hurry next Christmas time
Relieving me from my mental morass
Again I will sit on his lap all red
And ask him 'could I please have you for Christmas?'

~ Quotescoop.com ~

Christmas poem with a sexy santa in a chair. Can also be used as a Christmas card.

 No. 3 … a Slightly Disconcerting Poem about Christmas

O.K., Santa seems to be having real trouble at the North Pole this year. It seems that all is going haywire there.

We don’t know how Santa will handle all of this.

This is one of the funny Christmas poems that go inside the North Pole to see what is really happening at this season. As it appears, we are not the only ones feeling stressed out by Christmas.

Brace yourself, this is a true Christmas drama:

Funny Rudolph picture: Rudolph with a manly beard and green bow.Santa is having trouble this year.
It is crazy at the North Pole.
Santa feels ill, has a pain in his rear.
Wondering if he can take the reindeers out for their stroll.

Rudolph wants to grow a big, manly beard.
All around his bright red nose.
Santa is afraid his deer beard will look weird.
Like a great big bush with one giant rose.

Mrs. Santa as well is not feeling swell.
Saying to Santa 'Stay home you should'.
Abandon your route, stay home and dwell.
Retire from your Christmas ride for good!

Trouble is hard on poor Santa Clause.
He is stressed to the point of crying.
He feels like a drink but cannot because,
Drinking and driving will not go while flying.

Will there be Christmas without Santa?
No prancing on the roof? No jingle bell joy?
No presents, no songs, no cheer and no hoo-ha?
We hope Santa will be strong for the girls and boys.
~ Quotescoop.com ~

 No. 4 … To Do or not to Doo That Is the Question

This is poem is completely silly, even ridiculous. But we thought we would throw it in anyway:

If Christmas is to children
What my job is to me,
Does that mean I should go to my boss
And sit upon his knee?

~ Quotescoop.com ~

 No. 5 … a Mysterious Different Poem

This funny Christmas poem is funny if you look at it at it from a humorous angle.

It is also quite strange if you look at it from an angle where you expect meaning and logic, because really, there is none.

Read and see for yourself:

Funny Christmas Jokes Game Funny Christmas Jokes Game: Guess The Punchline!
Red ribbons in her hair and what she wears,
Green lipstick on her big, full lips,
Fire in her eyes, oh yes, she dares.

Girl in the world,
Girl in your life,
Not at home, full of strife.

Is she lost? Is she found?
Is she just playing around?
She is the Christmas girl astound.

She is warm, she is cold.
She is looking for Santa’s gold.
She’s a girl of opportunity.

Gold bells in her ears,
Tattoos on her breasts,
Free spirit, oblivious to the rest.

Her heart is warm; her heart is cold,
She just wants Santa’s gold.
She is the Christmas girl, so we're told.

She is up, she is down.
She roams over the town.
She has something up her sleeve.

She approaches Santa’s elves,
They turn away, turn around.
Behind their backs Santa's gold is found.

Now she is gone, gold in hand,
Buying a ticket to sunny beaches' sand
Goodbye Christmas girl!
~ Quotescoop.com ~

No. 6 … about Toy Elmo

If you have ever heard an Elmo toy laugh, you know what this one is about.

Elmo’s laugh is absolutely obnoxious. That must be why kids love him ;-)

Surely it is not a way the kids are getting back at their parents, or parent, is it?

Surely not, our kids are sweet and innocent, right? Sure!

Here is what happens to Elmo, at the desperate hands of parents:

Toy Elmo got drunk on Christmas Day.
His laugh drove everyone nuts.
We got the battery out of him so fast
In a manner of speaking, we tore out his guts.
~ Quotescoop.com ~

No. 7 ... Slightly Serious Drinking Poem

Have you held a family Christmas gathering just wishing yourself far, far away.

Well, you recognize this feeling perhaps, despite of your Christmas resentment, you might enjoy this different Christmas Poem:

Looking through the window on Christmas morn
I see the family Christmas crowd.
Molly, Aunt Sarah, Bob and Norm.
Unloading their car while singing out loud

I come down the stairs all smiles and jolly,
Inviting them in and being all nice.
What did I do to deserve this folly.
Please, could I just reroll the dice.

What if I tell them what I really think?
That Molly is ugly and Aunt Sarah really stinks.
That the food is cold and I just want a drink.
However, I can't - I'm frozen like a sphinx!

Emotionally in Hell but I will be nice.
Laugh and talk with everybody
Trying to be sweet as sugar and spice.
But my mind is still on my toddy.

Toddy me here, toddy me there, toddy me everywhere
Please, can I just be me
I do not want to adhere
Really I just want to flee

Blissfully soon chatter is hazy
The wine is doing its thing
I'm drunk, happy, perhaps a bit crazy
My mind says goodbye and goes ding-a-ling
~ Quotescoop.com ~

No. 8 … of the Type Short Christmas Poem

This funny Christmas poem is a take off from a very sad Christmas song. However, do not let that dampen your ability to relate to this poem.

It is bound to apply to someone, even if you don't completely understand it.

Who said poetic mystery was a bad thing anyway!:

I will be gone on Christmas,
You can count on that.
There is no place like home on Christmas
Especially if you're married to a dingbat.
~ Quotescoop.com ~

No. 9 ... Sexy and Humorous Poem

House cats sometime climb up into a Christmas tree. It is really inconvenient when the tree topples over into the living room rug when the house cat climbs your beautifully decorated Christmas tree!

It gets to the point of not being able to tolerate it when the tree is a live tree.

How many needles could be on one tree, or on one living room floor?

Here is a funny Christmas poem about a person wanting to climb into the family Christmas tree, not for the fun of crawling but for the shame of, well, shagging:

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree
Hide me in your branches.
My face is red; I was caught in bed
With a stranger named Frances (or Francis).

~ Quotescoop.com ~

Funny Christmas poem on printable card. Picture of pretty Christmas ball.

No. 10 … Food, Food, Food

How could we have a batch of Funny Christmas poems without a poem about food? Everyone knows that one of the synonyms for Christmas is food! At Christmas most have a spread similar to Thanksgiving.

However, and this is important to the taste buds, there are usually more sweets at Christmas than at the Thanksgiving meal, and beyond, into the night. Not to mention eating leftovers all the next day.

I have not heard of Thanksgiving cookies. I have definitely heard the term Christmas cookies. Some, or maybe even most, of us have overindulged in Christmas cookies. You must overindulge, if you are to taste at least one of each kind!

Here is a funny Christmas poem about the highlight of Christmas, eating:

Eat up, it is Christmas time, food is going amok:
Turkey, peas, potatoes, and dressing perhaps even a duck.
It’s OK, eat away:
Corn, gravy, cranberries, ham.
Eat up, it is Christmas day:
Salad, rolls, butter and jams.

Eat up, it is Christmas time:
Chips, bean dip, carrots, peas.
You must do it, it is the season.
Grape juice, milk, teas and coffee.
You can not refuse; there is no reason:
Cake, gum, chocolate, candy.

The year is ending, never fear.
New Years Eve will soon be here
All resolutions will be listed in play.
A diet awaits you the very next day.

~ Quotescoop.com ~

No. 11 … The Month Before Christmas!

Twas the month before Christmas when all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying nor taking a stand.

Why the Politically Correct 'Police' had taken away,
All of the reasons for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing and shoving and raving to get it!

CDs from musicians, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

As Targets are hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday!
~ Funny Poem about Christmas ~

No. 12 … A Politically Correct Christmas Poem by Harvey Ehrlich

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck ...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."


(c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992. Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich (mduhan@husc.harvard.edu). It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact.

Final Words

So Which was the best poem for you?

It could be that a different poem would be best tomorrow.

How about the next day? Enjoy hilarious Christmas poems while the Christmas season is here.

Actually, these poems will be funny all year long. Enjoy them to the fullest; grab all the joy you can contain!

 

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